Letters from Zaire -08/07/2025
Summers of discontent.
Not unique to following Celtic but somewhat exacerbated by it, is the intense, neurotic obsession we have developed with transfers. The summer window starts full of hope, naïve and lustful for new heroes, before usually fizzling out into a complicated and regretful episode of a low-budget soap opera.
A never-ending omnibus that lasts the best part of three months, is on every day, very rarely has a happy ending, and without fail, sees your favourite character being killed off (Sold).
Strangely, though, it always leaves you wanting more.
The idea of new players is just pure exciting. Regardless of how good the side is, it’s never good enough, is it?
There’s always that one gem out there who might shift the needle. The young French centre mid with a touch to die for, the nippy South-American with a penchant for the bottom corner, or the 22-year-old Serbian centre-half who, despite being built like a double wardrobe, can run very fast.
It was summer holidays, circa 96/97, that my rumour habit found it’s gateway. I’d have been 13/14, with an out-of-sync sleeping pattern and probably quite twitchy from playing too much Championship Manager (It’s proper name, thanks).
Whilst no doubt steering my simulated team of footballers to unrivalled success, my attention was caught by a clandestine back door delivery arriving at the Shell garage across the road. Big bundles of tomorrow’s papers getting emptied from a car boot. I never knew they did that.
This media industry trick was a revelation, and suddenly a curious itch arose. A common theme in human nature swelled within, deep down, my inner Isa had awoken. If there’s transfer gossip, I have to know.
My habit got bad quickly; pacing around my bedroom with change and the house keys rattling in my pocket. I was a mess. As soon as that navy Ford Mondeo pulled in, I was off.
There was an intervention after the teletext rumour numbers(remember that?) got the best of me and I can vividly remember a phone bill getting waved in my face. The threats of being grounded with my season ticket taken off me, somewhat quelled the habit for a while.
Thankfully, maturity has found me these days; or more so, I pay the bills, and if I want to stay up late watching YouTube comps of a tenuously linked wingers we could never afford, I will. The Europop soundtracks grow on you after a while.
Dossiers, graphs, stats and anecdotal information, close to dissertation length, are all part of the research nowadays, before we can sign off on any target or give the “Boy looks a pler” seal of approval.
In all honesty, I find it quite a fraught and anxious time. Three months of wondering which Premier League club, with about a 1/5 of our average attendance, will buy our best player for a lot of money, that we’ll never see spent.
Maybe I’ve somewhat burned out from the deluge of content, but ultimately, I’ve developed a cynical view that the club won’t change. There will not be a systematic departure from what is inherently a risk-averse strategy.
It has always been, has it not?
As fans, we bask in the profits of our transfer model, snigger snidely at our neighbours, but whilst the cash grows, the quality, or reach of our horizons, doesn’t appear to shift meaningfully. “Life in the slow lane”, as Martin O’Neill chimed prophetically.
We’ve just been linked to 5 new players in two days. Just when I thought I was out…….
Usually, at this point, I would announce a subject change by saying something quirky like “moving on” or “we’ll come back to that later” but this is more about the transfer window. Yesterday, we lost another one of our top players to a team that we only knew of previously, as a luxurious holiday destination.
Nicolas Kuhn departs for Como.
There surely can’t be a more maligned scouting department in European football than Celtic’s. I’m not sure there actually is a department, maybe a really small office or portacabin, tucked away somewhere up at Lennoxtown. But anyway, whoever identified Nicolas Kuhn deserves a pat on the back. Or a promotion. They also need to get busy.
If we take away his dental issues and clear disgruntlement, post Bayern Munich, the German was electric and a front-runner, player of the year candidate, at the turn of the year. His explosive pace and finishing from the right wing resulted in 21 goals and 16 assists last season, and his - along with Jota’s - creative influence on the front three will be acutely missed.
It may seem like a memory, but Kuhn at his best elevated Celtic’s potential in attack, and it could well be argued; his talent was a decisive factor in a strong European campaign.
£3.5 million to £17.5 million, in the space of 18 months, is serious business, though. Peak recruitment model.
Surely, we just reinvest the money, right? Is that not how it works?
Queens Park(A)
We’re now only about 4 weeks out from the start of the League Season. Usually, these games don’t get much of my attention but I was eager to see some football on Friday night.
This was pure pre-season, and it’s always interesting to see a weird ensemble of players we’ve never seen before and will never see again.
A very diluted version of the first team gave way to a full lineup of B team, returning loanees, and also the appearance of Conor Daly, who had just turned 16 years old.
Introduced on his own as a solitary second-half substitute, Daly looks like he’s been made in a centre mid lab and appeared to carry himself with remarkable confidence and poise for his age. More father of three and World Cup winner, than someone who just gave up his paper round the other day.
There were some other impressive footballers, but time will tell how much this group will contribute. Johnny Kenny dispatched Mitchell Frame’s neat comeback for a 1-0 win, and just like that, we’re off and running.
Next up tonight is Cork(A).
“In Zaire, you’ll find us there, calling out your name”
Thanks, as always, for reading; it genuinely is much appreciated. “Letters from Zaire” is a working title for my newsletter, and this is its second run out.
It acts as a less serious, catch-all space for general narrative. Or something like that.
I am new to this whole writing thing, but we are close to 40 subscribers now, and for me, that’s a resounding success. Especially as I have no clear objective or idea of what I’m doing/trying to do.
Hopefully, I’ll figure that out along the way.
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Sincerely
From Zaire
Mark